Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Oh poo!

Normally, I don't enter poetry contests, but when I caught wind--pardon the pun, you'll see--of a rather, erm, special one in Florida, I couldn't resist squeezing out an entry. The contest was hosted by a colonoscopy clinic, with a top prize of $500 USD. The catch: the poem had to be about colonoscopy. The exchange rate being favourable and the contest being free to enter, I figured, shit, why not, I'm a professional, I'll give it a toot.

Well, the winners have been announced, along with a good many runners up and yours truly did not cut the cheese. It turns out I should have written a limerick. And I should have gone the cautionary tale/didactic route instead of agonized introspection (mixed with cheeky allusions to the Great Las Vegas Colonoscopy Scandal. Oh well, I could second guess till the gastroenterologists come home. Here's what I did do, for your amusement or disgust:

Colonoscopy Prayer

O Lord, let this procedure not presage my end.

Let this be painless.

Let the nurse be not too young or attractive.

Let the doctor have mercy.

Let the scope be smooth and warm as it enters.

Let my bowels be inactive.

Let the clinic be cleanly.

Let its staff be attentive.

Lord, let me not go to Las Vegas.

Let this be painless.

Let the drugs be effective.

Let the lens find no lesions or polyps.

Should it find polyps, let them be mite-sized.

Should it find lesions, don't let them be cancers.

Let them be easily excised.

Let this be painless.

Let me have answers.

Let me lead my kids into adulthood.

Let me be my wife's final companion.

Let us see the Grand Canyon.

Don't let it be because I went to Las Vegas.

Let me have patience.

Let this be over.

Let it be painless.

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