THE PARKINSONIAN REFLEXOLOGIST

after Jeramy Dodds

People who live by a pen

mightier than the sword beaten

into a ploughshare don't share

their secrets lightly. You can't

make a silk purse from pigs in a blanket

no matter how well

you porkbarrel over the falls.

If you get caught fucking the dog,

deny the devil his Scooby Doo.

You've got to give 110% of your ass

on the line if you want to get in line

for some loving. It's hard to get head

when your ball's in the bunker

and your club is a spade.

Stupid is as smart phones; my darling

is an open netbook, a bitter tablet

to spit or swallow. That fish

out of water is off the hook

and into the line of fire. Dead men

don't chase their own tails

down blind alleys. If I wanted your vice

I'd bust my balls to live by the sweat

off my bag. Wall to wall shagging

leads to black eyes and blots

on the bottom line. At the end of the day

another day comes knocking. Seize

the dayjob you won't quit

and throttle it to within an inch

of your wife. Pull all the stops

out of the dike and throw away

the keynote address. Dressing for success

is bound to fail the acid test

so don't sweat the small stuff

in your boxers or briefs

if you can't get it up the garden path.

Go hang your twisted knickers in the wind.